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Greener Grass

April 20, 2016

It came to me like, brass knuckles, hitting me in the face, so hard. The reality that I have never wanted to be that person, the one who wants what someone else has, has now left me for dead. Today, and if I am honest, everyday this last year, I have been that person. I want a husband. I want a house. I want a ridiculously loud truck, that gets terrible gas mileage. I want dirt bike for said husband, self, and offspring. I want to barely work….. from home. I want, I want, I want.

As I have always known, things cost a lot of money, money is hard to come by, and finding decent men, in which you would actually want to wake up to every morning, and that feel the same way towards you, well that’s unheard of. So here I am staring at houses I would be “okay” living in, they aren’t even the ones I want to buy, I realize it. I am never going to be able to afford a house. Not even the mediocre, okay house. I am a single mom, who owns a business that though it is succeeding, every time we get closer to big paydays we realize a business expense comes first. Lets not mention the 10-16 hour work days my partner and I gruel through, we desperately need to hire someone. Why don’t we? The day we do our paychecks go right back down to not paying our personal bills. It’s excruciating.

So why does buying a house seem so impossible, well lets focus strictly on the down payment. If I can’t even save an extra months worth of rent and a car payment in a year, do you think I will ever be able to save enough to put up a down payment? At my current rate of savings, which isn’t much of anything, it will take me 8 years 9 months to have $5,495 saved, which would be a 5% down payment on my “okay” house. Not even the 20% the bank wants down. Did you read that correctly? 8 years…..9 months… My son will be in high school. Crazy, I know, that’s what I thought.

So this is where you criticize and say that renting isn’t that bad, and maybe I could find some imaginary grant, or start an online group funding page. I agree renting isn’t terrible, unless your downstairs neighbors are mine… They are literally the worst people I have ever met. The grants, I cant find them. And online group funding sounds alright, until you think about it.. I would be begging friends, family, and strangers to just give me their hard earned money. Remember when I said money is hard to find, well my anxiety and guilt play a very large role in my life. Its not happening, its like asking my body to shut down in crippling panic attacks multiple times in the day. No thanks, I am good. So I am laying here, waiting for death, my jaw hurts, but on the bright side tonight I get 7 whole hours of sleep, knock on wood my child doesn’t change that.

So until I think of something else to rant about, goodnight WordPress. Thanks for letting me type in a completely unimpressive manner about my life..

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